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I’ve been in Italy for the past two weeks, swapping the Platty Joobs for the Festa della Repubblica, so this year’s series of Britain’s Got Talent has somewhat passed me by (though, to be fair, that’s been the case for at least the last decade or so, thankfully).
But while idly flicking through the channels last night, I stumbled upon the grand finale of the talent show of diminishing returns, just in time for comedian Axel Blake to take the stage.
Resisting the urge to switch over to Crocodile Dundee II, I decided to give Axel a chance. Not that I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for – from what I’ve glimpsed over the years, comedians on BGT tend to be rather pedestrian, often channelling Chris Ramsey-levels of blandness to whoops of laughter from the clearly sleep-deprived audience.
And Axel certainly didn’t disappoint on that front, delivering what could loosely be described as ‘jokes’ for the first two minutes of his act.
But then the contestant mentioned that he used to cycle to work. My ears prick up, eyes lifted from my phone.
What followed, however, was over a minute of ‘comedy’ (again, I use the term loosely) straight out of the Alliance of British Drivers’ manifesto, delivered to a national audience.
So dig out your anti-cycling bingo card, turn on the following video at 3.12, and get ready to shout “full house!”
Anti-cycling bingo, the BGT edition:
‘I am/was a cyclist’ – Cheers Axel, straight out of the blocks with anti-cycling bingo’s foundational statement, though the contestant was quick to point out the differences between cyclists and what he describes as “CYCLISTS!” Yep, it’s that kind of gig.
‘Spiked shoes’ – Here’s a new one. I assume he means cleats? Or maybe he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about and is just playing up to a demographic he assumes will be voting on this stupid programme.
‘Spandex suit’ – Ah, a classic, couldn’t miss out on a Spiderman reference, Axel.
‘Curved handlebars’ – Another obscure bingo b-side here, but one that takes me back to my teenage years, when my mates would pore over my road bike, asking: “where are the gears?”
‘Mr Tour de France’ – This one was inevitable, but fair play to him for squeezing a big hit in after a few album cuts.
‘I need a car’ – Ah, the classic Clarksonian cliché, that cars are aspirational, and bikes are simply the refuge of the poor and unsuccessful. Timeless.
‘Cyclists hate when you cut them off’ – Big finish now, as Axel makes one final ‘joke’ about endangering the life of another human being, to roars of approval from the crowd. Not depressing, not depressing at all.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, skip forward to 7.25, when judge Amanda ‘I can’t believe she’s still on the telly’ Holden decided to add another line to your overflowing bingo card.
Holden, who embarrassed the nation at last year’s Eurovision by personifying Britain’s most Brexity stereotypes, told Axel: “The whole cyclists thing, I’m so with you.
“Why do they wear the cameras? They’re asking for trouble already!”
And with that, I flicked over to Mick Dundee.
Others, including Eurosport’s very own Brian Smith and DCS Andy Cox, instead took to Twitter to blast Holden’s “feedback”:
. @AmandaHolden dropping some bombs on BGT tonight…
England behind you, oh and Wales and Scotland and N.Ireland…
Don’t get why cyclists wear those camera’s…
FFS Its to prove they are being cut up by other roads users. If you rode a bike you would understand.
Pathetic!
— Brian Smith 𝕆𝕃𝕐 (@BriSmithy) June 5, 2022
Primarily to deter dangerous and reckless driving and in doing so save life. Plus enforcement and crash investigation opportunities enabling dangerous and reckless drivers to be held to account.
— Andy Cox (@AndyCoxDCS) June 6, 2022
Amanda Holden asking why cyclists wear cameras, speaking like someone who has definitely hit a cyclist and driven off before. #BGTFinal #bgt
— Joel Gleicher (@JoelG_88) June 5, 2022
@AmandaHolden, when you get a call from paramedics to say your boyfriend has been knocked off his bike by a driver, you get him a camera. He was not asking for trouble! Your comment was everything wrong with the attitude towards cyclist. pic.twitter.com/lXMPKdffoZ
— Bee and Peach (@BeeandPeach1) June 5, 2022
Why did Axle Blake choose to bash cyclists in his Britains Got Talent final performance? Judge Amanda Holden joined in creating more negative feeling towards cyclists on national TV. He won’t be getting my vote #BGTFinal #amandaholden #ITV
— the walking, cycling, motorbiking, driving human (@nerolab) June 5, 2022
Why do idiots always try and paint people who cycle with cameras as asking or looking for trouble? What do they think about people who drive with a dashcam?
The reason is the same. To act as a witness against bad and untrustworthy people driving https://t.co/fpB6zYShGx— Real Gaz on a proper bike #fbpe (@gazza_d) June 6, 2022
To cap it all off, according to the papers this morning, Axel and his ABD handbook later won the public vote, scooping the £250,000 prize and a spot on the Royal Variety along with it. Bingo!
Long live David O’Doherty…
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